As I sit here in the beauty of stillness, waiting for my tea to cool, the overwhelming feeling of God’s goodness surrounds me. As I look back on the last 3 years I can not help but tear up with thankfulness!
It has been a hard road, full of so many challenges. Being in the fire has refined me, it has defined me. The fire has caused hurts and impurities to come to the surface in which I have had to confront. The fire has drawn me closer to God.
Being adopted affected me deeply. The enemy tormented me most of my life with the lies that I was unwanted. It created insecurity, shame and paralyzed me. The spirit of abandonment caused me to detach from people and isolate myself. It affected all relationships in my life.
As I look back on all the challenges, all the pain, all the tears, I can not help but say God is good! He never left me. He protected me, provided for me and loved me, even when I did not deserve His love.
My whole life I felt like I did not belong. I tried so hard to fit in, to be accepted. I was always the odd duck, the round ball that never fit into the square box. These last 3 years God has been working in me, showing me I was not born to fit in. Christmas of 2021, Jeremiah 1:5 was spoken over me and I struggled with it. I did not want to be set apart, I wanted to belong.
“I knew you before I formed you in your mother’s womb. Before you were born I set you apart and appointed you as my prophet to the nations.” Jeremiah 1:5 NLT
When I took a big leap of faith and came back home in the fall of 2019, my whole goal was to turn my childhood ranch into “Wednesday’s Place.” I felt it was God’s calling on my life to create a place where people could come and find healing in Jesus. A place where I could share what I had learned and to help others find hope in God’s amazing love. Little did I know coming back home would be my biggest challenge, the battle of my identity.
After working so hard for 7 months at the ranch, My heart was broken the day after Easter 2020, when I had to leave my childhood home. I had dreamed and fought so hard for over 10 years to come home. I had believed with my whole heart it was God’s will. As I walked away, I was confused and lost. I went into hiding. I was embarrassed, ashamed, I felt like a failure. Who was I? What was I supposed to do now?
After finding my biological mother and brothers, I thought I would finally fit in somewhere, but the complete opposite happened. I felt a spirit of shame when I was around them. I was the hidden secret that had been buried. I went into a time of grieving. I grieved for being rejected and the time I had lost growing up around my brothers.
During that same hard confusing time my husband of 10 years mailed me divorce papers. I had lost my dream, my identity, and my marriage. I struggled with being lost, alone and so confused. I spent months crying, praying for help and tried really hard not to dream. I did not have any hope for a future. It was really dark! During that dark, painful, lonely time, my faith was challenged. I had felt like God had stripped everything away from me. I look back now and see God was trying to show me my true identity.
It was not my plan to end up in the town I live in now, but I see God planted me where I needed to be, to help me heal and grow deeper in Christ. He surrounded me with people that I could be broken with. As God has helped me heal, He has shown me my true identity. I really am a child of God! The enemy has worked really hard to paralyze me, to isolate me and he almost succeeded but for some reason beyond my understanding God didn’t allow it.
I am so thankful to be a part of helping start our local Celebrate Recovery group. It has been a true blessing. I look back on the past year and a half and see how much I have overcome. It has been hard and I have wanted to quit many times but God has held my hand and I am so thankful. CR has created in me a deeper compassion for people. I see the sad pattern of brokenness as I listen to others’ testimonies. It has helped me realize that I am not the only one who has been broken. There are so many with the same struggles. It has helped me overcome many fears! It has taught me that it is okay to have boundaries. God has also used CR to confirm that my purpose is to help others learn of God’s love and help them find hope to overcome their pain. I still have much to overcome but I have hope and I know I am not alone.
So, who is this child born on a Wednesday? She finds great joy in music, thinks peanut butter and chocolate are perfect friends and gets so overwhelmed by God’s beauty when hiking in the mountains. She believes in the power of prayer. Her goal and desire is to help others take back their identity from the enemy. She has accepted that she has been set apart and that it is okay not to fit in the box!
I pray you find your Identity in Christ. I pray you really do understand the beauty of God’s amazing love. I pray you find healing and overcome the struggles and lies the enemy uses to keep you isolated and alone, in Jesus’ powerful name, amen!