Let my light shine bright and bring glory to God. This is my heart’s desire.
This broken toy from “Misfit Island” sits and types with tears in her eyes, moved by a sad movie which has stirred up all kinds of emotions, memories and pain.
I was an unwanted, mistake, an accident. I surely was not planned! I was given up for adoption as an infant.
I struggled my whole childhood trying to be perfect. I told myself if I could be a perfect child then, I could not possibly be a mistake.
As I look back at the patterns in my life, I can now see how I tried really hard to fix all the mistakes surrounding me. I tried to make everything that was completely falling apart around me seem alright. I tried to pretend that everything was okay. Perfect.
About 8 years ago, at the age of 30, I started to go into a deep, dark place-a very painful place. I was very mad at God. At night I would cry out in bed. It was not just tears. It was a cry that came from a deep, dark, painful place in the pit of my stomach. I would yell at God and say “Why did you create me? I only cause pain, hurt, and heartache.” I had these lies in my head, tearing me down, and tormenting me. During this time, I caused a lot of conflict. Yelling loud and fighting with very mean words.
Even though I was mad at God, I desperately tried to seek Him. I held on so tight to Isaiah 54. I read that chapter over and over again. I would cry out to God. You see, I was the “wife deserted and distressed in spirit—a wife who married young, only to be rejected”. I wanted to find hope in the words “Do not be afraid; you will not be put to shame. Do not fear disgrace; you will not be humiliated. You will forget the shame of your youth”. I felt like I had done something wrong towards God. I felt abandoned. “For a brief moment I abandoned you, but with deep compassion I will bring you back. In a surge of anger I hid my face from you for a moment, but with everlasting kindness I will have compassion on you,” says the Lord your Redeemer”. I felt like God was speaking directly to me through Isaiah 54.
Through those dark eight years, God never let go of me. He held my hand tightly as I tried so hard to push away. I started to fight back the lies in my head with God’s truth. I began to see God differently. I was starting to believe that God did not cause my pain, and as I cried, He held my tears. Even though my circumstances were hard, God was still good.
God does not see our imperfections.
He looks inside and sees our Hearts. He sees His amazing creation.
A work of art!
God does not ever leave His children behind. He leads us, guides us, and shows us His amazing love.
I no longer believe that I am a mistake. I am a child of God and I have a purpose. I now dwell in Isaiah 61
The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,[a]
to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor
and the day of vengeance of our God,
to comfort all who mourn,
and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor.
Isaiah 61:1-3 NIV
So, now as God helps me heal and learn the truth about His love; I want to share with others who have been broken, rejected and feel unwanted find His love. I want to be a light to others who find themselves stuck in the darkness, the pain.
To many times we hear “Jesus loves you”. I think now days we just dust those words off our shoulders and say “I know, I know, Jesus loves me”.
But do we really understand how much He loves us? All the pain and heartache that we endure in our lives, Jesus already carried, endured, and died for. That is a very big deal!
When one loses everything, and falls down in a deep hole and the only thing that gives her hope is Light. When you experience that love, that Light, you want to share it with others!
Through sharing my story, Wednesday’s Place, I hope to create a safe place for other “misfits” to find hope. A place one could feel safe enough to open up and share their story. A place one could find peace.